just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
