I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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