There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
