I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
