Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
