I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
