first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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