I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
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