I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
