I think my vagina is haunted
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Randomize
