Just took my morning after pill in the library
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
