dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
