The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
