Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
