I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
