I puked a lego.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
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