If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
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