he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
