if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
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