apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Randomize
