My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Randomize
