I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
