That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
office poll is still running 100% that Spencer Pratt is more disturbing than David Carradine's death
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
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