I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
