I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize
