He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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