also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
Randomize
