Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
he was CRYING into my vagina
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Randomize
