I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
You are a booty call, not a friend.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
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