When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
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