my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
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