You work out of a Hotel?
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
