I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
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