God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
Randomize
