How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Randomize
