I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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