If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
