i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
