Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
