worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
