yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
How's work?
Spinning.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Randomize
