well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
