i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
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