i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
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