i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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