so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
