I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
he was CRYING into my vagina
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
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