Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
