is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
