@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
