My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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